How to Help When Mom with Dementia Begs to Go Home
Dear Carol: I take care of my 93-year-old mother in my home. Mom’s been physically frail for years, yet until recently, she’s remained cognitively strong. Now, she’s exhibiting obvious dementia symptoms. What matters most is keeping her comfortable and as happy as she can be considering the circumstances. Sometimes she’s quite chatty and lucid, but she goes into phases saying she wants to go home. Since she’s lived with us for almost a decade, I don’t know if she means the house where she lived with my dad, her childhood home, or even that she’s ready to go to heaven. I feel so bad for her when she does this, but I don’t know how to help. Thanks so much for all you do. – WP
Hearing the refrain I want to go home is hard for all caregivers, but particularly sad for those who brought the person into their own home. My heart is with you.
Current thinking is that home to most people signals comfort and safety. Therefore, the person living with dementia might be tired, cold, hungry, anxious, or experiencing some other environmental shift that is making them uncomfortable. By asking to go home, they are using the only words they can find to express this discomfort.
With that in mind, check your mom’s physical and environmental comfort. Don’t forget to consider pain since people living with dementia may be unable to verbally express this concept.
Other reasons could be any of those you mentioned. Her prominent memories are now coming from far back in her life, so she certainly could be thinking of her home with your dad, or even earlier, a childhood home. Additionally, if she is thinking of home as going to heaven, she wouldn’t be the first older adult to do so. People often show signs that they are aware that their lives are coming to a close, and who are we to say differently?
My thoughts are to keep her as comfortable in her immediate world as possible. Once all is well there, join in her memories. If she wants to communicate, you could ask her what she most loved about home. If she mentions your dad, help her reminisce but remember not to ask her if she remembers details or events. If she talks about her parents, that’s a clue that she’s further back, so you could say, Tell me what life was like when you were a little girl.
If she indicates that she’s ready to go to heaven, offer comfort, not an argument about how she shouldn’t talk like that. Even if she isn’t speaking at all, you can squeeze her hand, hug her, and tell her that you love her and will keep her safe.
It’s hard for us to hear our loved ones’ emotional pain, WP, but doing so with acceptance and love may be our most valuable gift to them. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job caring for your mom, so just keep doing what you’re doing.
